More PTSD and Wives

Susan Barrera

I wrote an article several months ago about how living with our husbands’ combat-related PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) affects us as wives. I got a lot of positive feedback to that article and want to expand on that.    

“My husbands’ PTSD is really bad.  How can I help him? I am doing everything I can to make life better for him. No matter what I do, it doesn’t seem to help. What can I do?”

We have had some women come to our support group with that in mind. “How can I fix my husband?”  The answer I’ve learned is:  you can’t. I know; I tried. Boy did I try. I tried everything to change him. I learned that I couldn’t love him better and I couldn’t make him better. 

I took the blame for his pain and his reactions. I tried to protect him from all the stresses of life that I could.  I made the phone calls and appointments for him. I ran the household and did the shopping and all the other things that caused problems for him. I paid all the bills and managed the finances. I worked outside the home and I worked inside the home. I woke him up from his nightmares and I cried with him. I didn’t argue with him; he was always right. I did the cooking and the laundry and always tried to be understanding and supportive. I ran interference between him and everything and everyone who upset him. I didn’t ask him to step out of his comfort zone. In fact I did everything I could to keep him as comfortable as I could. I raised our son almost single-handedly because he couldn’t be there for him. I didn’t require anything of him. I didn’t ask for anything from him. I didn’t expect anything from him. I neglected my own needs. I worked to the point of exhaustion.I became ill and didn’t take care of myself; he was worse than I was. I stuffed and stuffed. I prayed and prayed for him. I did this for many, many years. I was going to make him better or die trying. I very, very  nearly…did…die…trying…

I thought that would work. I did more, I tried harder.

To quote Dr. Phil, “And how is that working for you…?”

It didn’t work.  He wasn’t comfortable. He wasn’t happier.  He wasn’t better. He didn’t seem to appreciate all I was trying to do for him: he didn’t love me more for it; he seemed to resent it. He was spiraling downhill and so was I. My health was deteriorating quickly and the fear of losing me was making him angrier and angrier. 

Eventually, I was finally able to accept that he was badly damaged and would probably never be any better than he was. I accepted that he would probably never be able to meet my emotional needs. I removed the rose-colored glasses and gave up. I grieved the loss of those dreams that someday he could get better and love me. 

I got help and I read many, many books. I learned that when we focus our attention on fixing someone else, neither one of us is focusing on ourselves. I learned to focus on myself: the only one I do have control over. I took control of my health; the doctors had done all they could, but they couldn’t give me back my health. I found the blessing of Vitality Plus and my body was able to regenerate.  (Contact me and I will share information about how it was literally the answer to prayer.)

I worked on my issues; I figured out what had made me look for the most damaged man I could find.  What had made me feel as though I was nothing and deserved nothing. Why I fed my emptiness; and I learned to fill myself up with love instead of food, and shopping. I’ve been learning to face my fears and grow and change myself. 

I have a completely different life now. I have a life.  And the biggest miracle of all has been that when I stopped trying to change my husband and just accepted him as he was, he changed too. That when I started to change and heal myself, I showed him that we can change.  (And showed our son as well.)  And the miracle was that he chose to, too. He made the same choice. To live. To heal. To grow. And I thank God for it.  He still has PTSD, but he is choosing and learning every day to control the symptoms. 

It would be great if I could say that if you change yourself, your husband will change too. Unfortunately that isn’t so. That choice is his, and the choice is yours. We each make that choice for ourselves. He can choose to stay stuck. You can choose to stay stuck. You can choose to get better whether or not he does.  He can make that same choice. Will he? That’s up to him. And only he can make that choice for himself. But you can have a life whether or not he does.  And you must, it’s the only life you have. Is this how you want to spend it? 

You cannot make him better or love him better.  Accept it.  I’ve heard women say; “Well, when my husband gets help, (goes through that treatment, etc.) then I can start to work on myself. I don’t have time to think of myself right now.” Well, how is that working for you…? (Dr Phil also says that it isn’t reasonable to keep doing the same thing and expect a different outcome.) If what you are doing isn’t working, do something else...

Questions,  comments, or topic suggestions; email me at:  vetsvoice@blackfoot.net.