The Value of Support
Susan Barrera
Here in New Mexico, those of us who are the spouses of veterans who have been rated at a disability of 100%, were able to receive treatment at our VA Hospital. That included medical as well as psychological and psychiatric treatment. The VA hospital also had a support group in place to help us spouses who are dealing with our husbands’ PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). The program was one of the most valuable that the government has ever had, as far as I am concerned. The doctors and therapists at the hospital are trained to understand and deal with this syndrome. The treatment which they provided for us was really instrumental in helping us keep our husbands out of trouble and in the home instead of the hospital, or in jail. Some other VA Hospitals in the country may still be offering the CITI (CHAMPVA In-house Treatment Initiative) program which allowed them to provide treatment to us; if it is available in your area, I highly recommend it. Since the program ended for us here, we have had no support from the VA to help us to deal with the disorder which our families live with. We were sent back out to fend for ourselves and our children without help.
Those of us women who had been in the support group decided to continue to meet and try to help each other without the guidance of a professional, by using what we had learned while we had the services available to us.
Although some of the women have left the group for various reasons, the core group of six women, plus a few others who drop in as they can, continues to meet weekly several years later.
What we provide for each other is support. The value of having others who understand what you are living with cannot be overestimated. Our friends and families do not and cannot know what it feels like to live with this disorder. Along with our husbands we live in isolation. If we try to talk with others about what it is like, their response is often, “Well, if it’s so bad, just leave him…” We love our husbands and want to keep our families together, but living with this disorder brings the trauma which our husbands have experienced in combat, home to us and our children.
We don’t know how to deal with the rage which our husbands show over any little thing which we or the children do. It is like living in a mine-field; we never know when the next blow-up will occur, what will trigger it, or how to handle it. We often become nervous wrecks from constantly trying to duck and dodge.
Most of the wives are living with abuse, whether emotional or physical or both. When we have the support of other women who have lived with the same thing and have figured out ways to deal with it, it can make all the difference in the world. The group helped to save my life and my sanity. These wonderful women were there to help me through the deaths of my parents and sister. We have developed lasting friendships which I value highly.
I had been living with my husband and his PTSD for many, many years before I was able to get help for me and my family, through my doctor at the VA. I couldn’t stop crying and I firmly believe I was on the verge of a serious breakdown. It took many years of therapy and participation in an anxiety group and a relaxation group and the support group and reading many, many self-help books to get me to a place where I felt like I was going to survive. The physical symptoms which I had developed had very nearly killed me, and I later realized that I had been suffering from depression for most of my married life. It took years of working on my own issues to finally get it that our son was also dealing with depression and self-esteem problems. Thankfully, the wonderful doctors at the VA were able to help me with him also.
I know what it feels like to have a husband who is frequently suicidal, whose anger and rages are devastating, whose nightmares are frightening, whose symptoms are affecting every area of our lives and that of our son.
I am happy to say that the support and help which we received has changed our lives. My husband still has PTSD. But he and we have learned how to live with it and no longer have it be a life which feels like hell.
If there isn’t a support group available for you in the area where you live, you might want to put an ad in your local newspaper and see if some of the other wives of veterans in your area would like to meet and try to get a grip on what PTSD is and how to support each other. There might even be a therapist who would be willing to donate their time to help your group. It doesn’t hurt to ask around…
A couple of books which I highly recommend are:
‘Vietnam Wives’ by Aphrodite Matsakis and ‘Recovering From the War: A Guide for all Veterans, Family Members, Friends and Therapists’ by Patience H. C. Mason. There is also a lot of information available online about PTSD. I search in: combat-related PTSD. A very good article on PTSD is available at:
The more you learn about the syndrome and how it affects your husband and the whole family, the better. There are many more veterans, men and women who are currently in combat situations in Iraq and who were in Desert Storm who are having the same kinds of symptoms that our Vietnam vets have exhibited for many years. The VA is there to help our veterans, but unfortunately, their families often have to help themselves.
For information about the support group in Albuquerque, or for comments or questions, I can be contacted at: vetsvoice@blackfoot.net
