Forgiveness         

One of the most difficult concepts that we have to deal with is that of forgiveness. Forgiveness, which once was more of a theological construct, has become a very integral part of the therapeutic process. According to Schiraldi (2000) “To forgive is to release resentment, hatred, bitterness, and desires for revenge for offenses or wrongs done.”

Most people have difficulty forgiving others because they have a misconception of what forgiveness really entails.  Forgiveness is for the victim, not the offender. It is something we choose to do, not for the person who has hurt us, but for ourselves. When we choose not to forgive, we are handcuffed by emotional ties. Every time we think of that hurt, the offender’s picture comes to our mind with all of the pain attached to the situation. Once we forgive the offender, the handcuffs open and the offender is no longer attached to us. Forgiveness is the key to opening our release of the hurt we have experienced.

Forgiveness is not forgetting the offense, nor does it mean we condone it or minimize the impact upon us. It doesn’t mean we can or should trust the offender. It is a difficult process, but it is achievable.

When we fail to forgive, psychological symptoms can develop, including but not limited to the following:  depression, anger, resentment, overly critical, sarcasm, mistrust, fear, mood swings, and drug/alcohol addiction.

There are several techniques one can utilize when trying to work through the forgiveness process. A technique that I have personally utilized is that of writing a forgiveness statement. You acknowledge that you have been hurt and describe your feelings. You then make a statement that you forgive him/her and release any ill will toward them so that you free yourself and the offender in order to live a more peaceful life. It is not necessary to send the statement. You can if you wish. I have found it helpful to make a ritualistic ending by burning the paper the statement is written on and releasing it to a higher power.

Other techniques involve healing imagery, EMDR, and relaxation. I am sure there are many more ways. If you have one you would like to share, please drop me an e-mail. I am certainly open to any comments you would like to make.  Remember:  FORGIVENESS is for your benefit, not the person who has hurt you.