Grieving Losses

On September 12, 2006, my mother passed away. She was 93 soon to be 94. She was a wonderful parent and will be dearly missed. As I worked through my own grief process, I thought I would devote this column to the topic of grieving losses.

Grief is the suffering associated with loss. As Stephen Levine describes it in his book entitled, Unattended Sorrow, “Nothing is more natural than grief, no emotion more common to our daily experience. It’s an innate response to loss in a world where everything is impermanent. We don’t know what to do with our pain, and we never have.”

Normal mourning typically follows the six “R” processes outlined by Dr. Therese Rando.

1. Recognizing the loss – We try to acknowledge the loss and understand the dynamics by participating in rituals (i.e., funeral ceremony).

2. React to emotionally – We try to express emotions both positive and negative. Eventually the sorrow is experienced.

3. Recollect and re-experience the loss and relationships that are affected. We try to complete any unfinished business with the individual in order to gain insight and closure.

4. Relinquish old attachments to the loss and to assumptions that no longer work. We try to give up the notion that we live in a perfect world and that nothing bad will ever happen. We do not forget the loss, only that we accept the reality of the loss.

5. Readjust to the world without forgetting the loss. We try to retain healthy connections to the deceased, while accepting their passing.

6. Reinvest in life – We try to redirect our energy and move on.

Typically, mourning does not progress smoothly from Step 1 through Step 6. Many times you will take several steps forward and regress one step.

There is complicated mourning, which is described by Rando as a difficulty or problematic at one or more of the steps. Typically, trauma can be the cause. Individuals suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or Major Depression can experience excessive or persistent denial, preoccupation with anger and rage, or a long list of additional symptoms, such as guilt, somatic complaints, impulsive behavior, addictions, and alexithymia (the general shut down of feeling).